Ten Year Update
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Original posts by eschatfische on metafilter
9 Sept 2006:eschatfische comments on a question about relationships.
I know this story very, very well.
I had that ground-shaking experience back during my senior year in college myself. I too can remember the exact moment I laid eyes on her. And, strangely, I can remember how my stomach sank because I knew it would never happen, since she was so far out of my league. That was 13 years ago.
We hit it off spectacularly as friends (she’s not only beautiful, but also almost incredibly on the same wavelength as I am), loved talking for hours, but things didn’t work out with her romantically. The friendship was taxed by overwhelming romantic tension on my side; I was sore and heartbroken, she didn’t understand.
She moved away and got married to another man, but we stayed friends. It was rare that more than a few months went by without one of us getting in contact. Years and years went by, and I dated, had a few longer term relationships, but I never, ever met another woman who did the same thing for me. I thought I was nuts, or broken, or just heartsick, and wondered when the longing for her would go away.
And then, things changed. Things fell apart with her ex-husband, and she got separated then divorced. We spent hours and hours on the phone. We took trips to see each other, and the awkwardness and tension of our friendship in college became love and passion. There are times when the earth-shaking experience of a lost love is just infatuation, but when we saw each other again, well, I knew that everything I felt then was still there, and that she was just as incredible as she was back in college.
We moved in together over a year ago, and it’s been an incredibly happy, wonderful year for both of us.
We got married on Wednesday, the anniversary of when we met 13 years ago.
I’m unbelievably glad I held out.
13 Aug 2016: A ten year update… and an SF meet-up.
Nearly 10 years ago, I commented on the green about having fallen head-over-heels for a woman only once, back in college - but how, after 13 years of wondering if I’d ever have that feeling again, we ended up moving in together, had just gotten married, and all was right in the world. weapons-grade pandemonium issued a challenge just three minutes later: Update us in ten years, eschatfische. And so we will! gucky and I are pleased to invite Bay Area MeFites to our 10 year anniversary party, featuring a 35mm matinee of When Harry Met Sally, September 10th at 1pm at the Roxie. RSVP information inside.
Spoiler: we’re doing great.
The Roxie’s at:
3117 16th St. (16th at Valencia)
San Francisco, CA 94103
There’s no charge for the screening, and we’ll have light snacks, but seating will be limited. If you’re interested in coming, please just send us an RSVP.
Hope to see you there!
19 Oct 2023: When asked for permission to repost this content, the update is:
Just celebrated our 17th last month!
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October 21, 2023 romance dating marriage relationships anniversaries
The “game”… what are the rules?
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Original posts by u/DuffNinja on subreddit r/dating on Reddit
7 Apr 2017: The “game”… what are the rules?
I’m new to dating again. After 12 (really 14 years) of back to back relationships, I’m now single again.
Went on a couple of dates with someone one Tinder, had sex twice, then I think I texted too much. Made the effort to hang out multiple times in a row and probably turned her off. I liked her, but no biggies, I wasn’t gaga.
But since I’m new to this. What’s the game here? What are the rules? For this one, I said ‘fuck it, I’m going to try and set up dates cause I like her’. But that clearly failed.
26 Mar 2019: Hilarious update
So about a year ago, I posted about a Tinder date ghosting me after 2 great dates. We had had sex, great chemistry, then all of a sudden she went super cold and stopped making an effort. After a month of pursuing her, I gave up.
Fast forward to last August, where she texted me apologizing. At the time she had just been out of a 10+ year relationship and emotionally was fucked up. She asked if we could go out again, now that she was ready.
We’ve now been dating for 8 months and it’s going well.
You never know what’s going on with someone. Chances are if someone ghosts you out of the blue, it has more to do with them and their life than yours!
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Getting Divorced
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Original posts by u/MysteriousApricot891 on subreddit r/TwoXChromosomes on Reddit
21 Dec 2021: I’m getting divorced, and have no one to talk to about it.
I told my husband back in 2020 that I wanted a divorce. I wasn’t happy in my marriage. Everyone on the outside saw it, but no one said anything because they were polite. My husband isn’t a bad guy. He’s not abusive, he didn’t cheat. He’s not an addict. We just have nothing in common, and it took me years to see what an issue it was. He accepted that it was over and we decided to divorce amicably (ie. No assets, property or children). However I did co-rent his apartment after he moved out because he was denied as a solo applicant. I stayed with my parents in the mean time. When his lease was up, he couldn’t afford to renew, so I let him stay with me at my parents. At that point we were still legally married (I was lazy with the paperwork). His staying with me was supposed to be a month or two, it’d been 6. He was supposed to put money away. He didn’t. I even paid off the remainder of his car loan for him. And paid his storage unit rental. And his auto and motorcycle insurance. And his, and his mom’s cellphone bill. I finally decided I was done living at my parents and applied for an apartment on my own, and was approved. I told him my move in date (which was about 40 days out). He waited until he had about a week left before he started looking for a place to live. And everywhere he picked was crazy expensive. Way outside his price range. I told him to drop his standards a bit to find a more affordable place, and he flat out refused. 3 days before I was set to move in, he asked to stay with me at my apartment. I caved. I caved so hard. He said it would be about 6 weeks before he could move into his parents. So here we are. At my apartment. Which he does nothing but complain about. The commute to work. The distance he is from his friends. How cold my place is. He leaves messes. Leaves lights on. And not once has he thanked me. Not for anything I’ve done for him. Everything I do for him out of the goodness of my heart, he expects because he feels he’s owed it. “if you weren’t divorcing me and ruining my livelihood, I wouldn’t be in this situation” (that an actual quote).
And to be honest, all the shit he gives me, all the attitude, all the resentment I hold for him, the bitterness, it’s all manageable because I still care for him. It makes my heart hurt to think I’m punishing him for his personality. It’s why I opt to help him. Even if he boarderline demands the help.
But the worst part of it is I have no one to talk to. Not one person. I have friends. Good friends. But not ones I feel sharing such intimate details of the failure of my marriage with. Not ones that I think wouldn’t say “I told you so”. Not ones that wouldn’t berate me for helping him financially for 14 months. Not ones that wouldn’t be able to hold in that he’s completely taking advantage of me.
And I’m aware I run that risk posting here. But no one here knows who I am. And I needed to get it out. Thanks for listening.
PS. Yes we’ve started the paperwork. And no he isn’t trying to stay with me permanently. He knows this is temporary, and it’s just waiting to move out in a few weeks.
20 Jan 2022: Update - Getting divorced but I have no one to talk to about it
My post wasn’t massive, but someone reached out to me in my DMs asking how I was holding up, so I decided to post an update. There’s a TLDR at the bottom.
Earlier in Jan I asked my husband what his plan was to move out. He got an attitude, and said he was working on it, but I had never seen him looking at apartments online. He gave me no indication of any progress at all at that point (originally he said he’d be living with me for 6 weeks. Now we’re closing in on 10) So I told him he should make plans and be out by the end of January. I was finally putting my foot down. He gave me a response akin to “whatever” with an eyeroll. The following day I asked him to sign the divorce papers. I’ve had them sitting for over 2 months now, we’d put it off previously until the move into the apartment, and we were both settled. He got angry and said “whatever you want to do!”. I felt so much guilt I just sort of shut down, and said “Ok, never mind” That made him start yelling at me to stop playing the victim and he then demanded to know where the papers were so he could sign them. I told him it was fine, don’t worry about it. He yelled again he was just going to sign them since I couldn’t leave him alone about this for more than a day, and that I was nagging him daily about throwing him out. So I told him where I put the paperwork, and went into the bathroom to cry. I sat on the floor to bawl my eyes out. I felt so bad at that point I was tempted to say “forget the divorce. We can stay together”. Anything to make myself feel better. He came in to the bathroom and told me to stop crying and gave me a hug. He didn’t apologize for yelling at me. He just told me to stop crying and accept that this was my decision, and he was the one that was hurting. So I dried my tears, and emotionally disconnected for the night. I barely spoke to him, or even looked at him. The next day I found the papers, he did sign them. Now I just have to send them in.
Last week, he finally applied for an apartment and was approved a few days ago. He’s moving out in 3 weeks. Wish me luck everyone! It’s been an emotional rollercoaster, and it’s not quite over.
TLDR. Sticking to my decision. Getting divorced and I finally told him to move out. I’m tired of being financially used. But it makes me feel like shit.
15 February 2022: I’m getting divorced, and have no one to talk to. 2nd Update
I posted a few times over the last month and a half or so about my husband and I divorcing. There was no cheating, or abuse. He wasn’t a bad guy, we just weren’t compatible at all. I still loved him very much, but it just wasn’t working for me. It was heartbreaking, but for the best I think.
I finally sent in the court paperwork to start the divorce process. My (now soon to be ex) husband also moved out this past weekend. I helped him move, and set up his whole apartment. Several times I feigned having to pee just so I could go into the bathroom to cry without him seeing. He didn’t like when I cried about it. He kind of felt like I had no right to, since the divorce was my idea and he didn’t agree with it (although he didn’t contest the divorce either). Having to hide my emotions made it difficult to process the entire weekend.
But it’s over. I’m pretty much single. I haven’t been single in so long. I’m also now very aware that I’m alone. I’m going to go to my own apartment, and it’s going to be empty. My anxiety will kick in around 330pm when he doesn’t come through the door from work. I’m sitting at my desk at work trying not to cry in front of my male co-workers. I want to reach out to him and see how he’s doing, but I know it’s not healthy. I’m trying to keep my mind on other things, like all the things I’ll gain out of this. All the things I can do now. But it’s hard. It’s hard to look at the long term.
Anyway. Thanks for listening everyone!
20 May 2022: I’m getting divorced, and have no one to talk to about it. A happy update!
A couple times over the last few months I’ve posted about how my husband and I are divorcing, but I had no one to talk to about it. My posts weren’t popular, but for me it was very cathartic to feel like I was finally word-vomitting all the stuff I’d been holding in. I received a few DMs about what a terrible person I was for leaving my husband, and a few cheerleadering me on.
I’m happy to report that I am fucking THRIVING! I’m doing all the things I was afraid to try out when I was with him, like cooking. Yeah I wasn’t allowed to cook anything that smelled because, and I quote “the stuff you try to cook smells like shit” (he said this when I made myself taco meat. I was banned from cooking “smelly” foods again). I also got a tattoo I’ve always wanted, and am getting another soon. I replaced a bunch of the cheap stuff we bought because he didn’t see value in investing in well-made goods. He would rather buy cheap, then buy cheap again when the first product broke, and continuously do this over and over. (He loved spending money, I didn’t matter what it was on)
I can also stay out as late as I want. I don’t have to be home by a certain time anymore, because he didn’t like when I went out, and came home after him. I can have drinks on the weekend. I even made friends. I have people I can talk to now without him wanting to know who I’m talking to/what we’re talking about (he’d follow me around while I was on the phone, demanding to know who I was talking to). I AM NOW BEHOLDEN TO NO ONE!
Unfortunately (fortunately?) my friendship with my ex-husband kind of came to an end. He was getting possessive of me, despite both of us being single and not in any romantic relationship anymore. I agreed to a date (one date) with someone, and my Ex got really upset. He didn’t like me hanging out with any male friends I had. Thankfully it ended amicably. He understood neither of us would be able to move on and heal if it continued. We agreed it was probably for the best.
Funnily enough, after finally starting on the path to doing my own thing, and making progress in life, people came out of the wood work to tell me how unhealthy my marriage looked from the outside. How he was manipulating me and I didn’t see it. How much he took advantage of me. No one understood why I married him, or stayed for as long as I did. It’s funny the things you’re blind to when you love someone. Red flags look white when you’re wearing rose colored glasses.
Anyway I’m done rambling. I’m doing really well. I’m very happy. I’m still sometimes sad about my Ex, but I see now that this was for the best. Thanks for reading :)
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How do I know when to ask her out?
This is a repost blog.
Original posts by u/jangens1122 on subreddit r/dating.
7 Feb 2022: How do I know when to ask her out?
I have 0 dating experience, never kissed anyone, nothing, but this girl I’m pretty interested in seems like she’s throwing hints, I think, we’ve known each other since elementary school, and the other day she told me that in the second grade I gave her some dandelions and how happy that made her, like out of the blue, we texted a little after that, I also said I had a crush on her during elementary, still do I guess, but she never really texted me first, and her replies also felt very dead ended. But now we have rehearsals together for a production (she’s an actor, I’m a techie) and it felt like every time I looked over at her she smiled at me and gave me what I think were “ the eyes”. No idea, idk I feel like something is there, but our paths don’t really cross that much other than rehearsals, so there isn’t any room for small talk and such. Even if I muster the courage to ask her out, I don’t know what we’d do, like dinner seems kinda cheesy. I could go on and on about all my uncertainties. Just know that anything that may seem obvious I most likely have no clue. So please help me out. I appreciate it
10 Feb 2022: Update: WE DID IT BOYS!!!!
I did it, I really did it, I asked a girl out on a date and she said yes! We are going out on wensday, when I asked I didn’t even say what I wanted to do, but Made sure to specify it was a date. She said that her parents would only allow her to go on a double date, so that’s a hurtle, but shouldn’t be too big of a deal( I hope)
Basically the script I had in my head was “hey, can I talk to you for a sec, walks to a somewhat private area so I’ve been really into you for a while and I was wondering if you would be down to go on a date with me?”
What I ended up saying because of nerves was “hey, so I really like you, would you wanna go out on a date with me?” Not quite what I had in mind but it got the point across, she said yeah sure and explained the whole double date thing and said “if you can find another couple I’d for sure be down “ so yeah, awesome sauce with a cherry on top. First time I’ve ever actually attempted to ask anyone out. So I’m gonna see if a couple friends of mine wanna go out with us. I’m hoping this double date thing doesn’t last though because it seems hard to progress in a relationship if every date is a chore trying to find someone to join us. But I was thinking us and his couple go out to some not fancy restaurant, like costa vida or a local cheesesteak place I like. Then we go see a movie and I drop her off, maaaaaybe get a kiss. I won’t be too ambitious. I’ve also never kissed anyone either. Also, when it comes to dinner and movie. Do I pay for her? No idea. I wanna wanna thank the 4 people who commented on my last post. Y’all really gave me the confidence to do this. And I am eternally grateful for y’all helping me achieve this massive milestone in my life. Thanks everyone, I will continue to update
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Going Broke
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Original posts by Going Broke Going to Weddings on the Dear Wendy advice column. Only the original text of the letter is reproduced here. To read Wend’y advice, click through to the original links.
Date unclear: Do I Need to Give My Friend a Wedding Gift?
I have a bridesmaid/wedding guest etiquette question for you. I live in Australia, a country where most people living in the larger cities stay in these cities. It isn’t common for people to move interstate as there’s no need. I, however, was given a great opportunity to move, so I did. And I’m at the time in life where I have many weddings to get to, most of which are back in my home state.
My question is two parts:
1. If I’m travelling for a wedding, the cost being a minimum $400 USD (travel costs only), should I still be giving a gift? Generally at weddings here only money is requested — there’s no registry with gift options at a lower price point.
2. I am a bridesmaid in a wedding of a good friend, where I am paying
for a new dress (very relaxed rules on style, so could I wear it again),
paying $400 USD for flights to the bachelorette party, paying around
$100 USD for the bachelorette activities, and then paying $800 for
myself and my partner to go to the wedding as well.
I don’t know if I’m being an asshole thinking I shouldn’t be expected to
also give a monetary gift? A lot of people say well if it’s a good
friend, then I should, but I’m struggling to agree.
Some real world, no bullshit advice is what I’m after. If it were I, I would tell anyone travelling to not even think about giving me a gift, but not everyone would have the same sentiment.
— Going Broke Going to Weddings
Date unclear: Updates: “Going Broke Going to Weddings” Responds
quick update below:
Here’s a small update on the wedding which was around two weeks ago now. As mentioned in the comments, albeit a little later, I didn’t mean to get nothing at all — I meant to ask if I had to give the money they had requested on the invite.
Well, I spoke with another bridesmaid who was in the same position as I was (and earns far more money), and she also wondered if we had to give the cash gift as requested. So, with power in numbers, we both decided to get something sentimental rather than cash from us and our partners.
I got the bride and groom a nice bottle of anniversary wine in a box, and when I gave it to my friend she said something along the lines of “OMG, you didn’t have to get me anything, you’ve already done enough by being here and travelling so far.”
The lesson for me is, when/if I get married, to communicate these things for my bridal party to save on extra stress and confusion!
I’m sure she would have been happy with a card, but I think in the end the wine was a great middle ground between it all.
Thanks.
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First Time Eulogist
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Original posts by janey47 on Ask Metafilter, reproduced by permission of the author.
4 Nov 2013: First time Eulogist. Helpful hints?
A very very dear friend died unexpectedly recently and I have been asked by the family to be among the non-family members who will speak at his memorial service. I’ve only ever spoken at my mother’s memorial service, and I cheated by reading her favorite psalm. I know some things to do and some not to do, but I think I need more thoughts from the hivemind.
The family has broken up the service with speakers from various times in his life, which I only found out quite recently — until I saw the program I was floundering around feeling like an imposter because I’ve only known him 6 years.
I have two readings, one quite short from a book he loved (we shared a love of books that had far-reaching consequences), and one somewhat longer. The longer one is Mary Oliver’s poem “When Death Comes,” which to me really describes how my friend lived his life — like a bride married to amazement, like a bridegroom taking the world into his arms.
I’m not very good at public speaking, although I’m pretty good at talking about grief and loss on a one-on-one basis.
I know certain wise rules, such as: write it down, practice, speak from the heart, don’t ramble, don’t lie, be appropriate.
But we’re having the memorial service at a (very large) bar & restaurant, and he and I met at another bar/restaurant where the service/wake will continue after the main event. So I think that “appropriate” can be a little less reverent than is often the case. Like when I told him last year I was trying to work on a six-pack for my abs, and he said “I’m working on a keg.” I bet that’s not original but he’s the only person I ever heard say it. I kind of want to mention it in this crowd.
I think my problem here is that I don’t know what words to glue the readings together with. I’m obviously not telling people who he was or what he was like, because half the people there will have known him for decades. I’m really only saying what he meant to me in the thought that by expressing what I feel I might sort of express for someone else the feelings they haven’t put words to. But I don’t know whether what I feel is even applicable to most people.
Whenever someone is suffering with grief, I always compare grief/loss to two things. The first is a scar. A scar comes from a wound that is deeply painful for a long time, and which eventually, after the course of some time, stops being painful and starts being a simple reminder of something past. It will always be a reminder of pain, but it might not itself hurt eventually. But (and this is the second thing I always talk about) great love means great grief. Only the people who avoid love can avoid grief. So often when my younger friends are struggling to stop feeling grief over a lost relationship, I tell them that I wouldn’t think they were human if they didn’t hurt over a lost love. And that’s the kind of thing I’m telling myself now — that for all the pain his loss brings me, I wouldn’t consider, even for an instant, trading it for a life in which this pain didn’t exist because I didn’t know and love him.
So I don’t know if that’s just really off, or if that’s the kind of thing you can say at a memorial service without sounding condescending or self-righteous.
And the most important memories I have of him, if I have to single out a few as being really essential, were moments in the last couple of days of his life, or the gentleness with which he took his last breath. And THAT I don’t think anyone wants to hear about. I talk about death way too much already.
Plus I come from a Buddhist perspective, and he totally embodied this Buddhist notions of lovingkindness, sympathetic joy, equanimity, and compassion, and he really fully lived every moment, without having to practice meditation in order to get there. But I don’t know my audience at all, and I don’t know whether it’s even appropriate to say anything like that.
I think I’m caught between not wanting to say things that are so specific to me that other people would be offended or bored, versus not wanting so say things that are so obvious that other people will be bored — or that others will have already said in the service.
Can you help me with (a) ways to think about what I’m doing to free my mind to compose this, (b) hints about being one speaker out of many at a memorial service, and (c) whether Mary Oliver is too pedestrian for a memorial service (some of his family members are insanely brilliant and they have an inflated view of my intelligence because my friend thought so highly of me, and I don’t want them to be rolling their eyes while I speak), and (d) anything you think, based on what I’ve written, would be helpful to me.
Thanks so much for your help.
11 November 2013: Thank you all so much - AskMe update
Last week, I asked this question. I really was freaking out and sure I was going to screw it up. The memorial service was Friday, and my remarks were extremely well received.
After each speaker there was applause. When I finished speaking, I immediately thought that the applause was louder than before, but it went through my head that it probably was because I was facing the applause. Then I heard family members hooting, so I realized that, yes, it was very well received. My boyfriend told me that everyone at our table was crying and he was pretty sure everyone in the room was crying.
Afterwards, I was absolutely bombarded with people thanking me and complimenting me and asking me if I were a writer and telling me I should be a writer. One of Tim’s brothers told me that I’d made them all cry and several of the family members told me they loved the poem, so all my worries were for naught. Also, I have admired one of my friend’s sisters-in-law for many years, even before I knew my friend, and she made a point of telling me that I did a wonderful job, which means so much coming from her.
Thanks to everyone for helping me structure my thoughts and form my little talk, and for being supportive while I was freaking out.
xxoo
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The text of Mary Oliver’s poem ‘When Death Comes’ is available here.