Getting Divorced
This is a repost blog.
Original posts by u/MysteriousApricot891 on subreddit r/TwoXChromosomes on Reddit
21 Dec 2021: I’m getting divorced, and have no one to talk to about it.
I told my husband back in 2020 that I wanted a divorce. I wasn’t happy in my marriage. Everyone on the outside saw it, but no one said anything because they were polite. My husband isn’t a bad guy. He’s not abusive, he didn’t cheat. He’s not an addict. We just have nothing in common, and it took me years to see what an issue it was. He accepted that it was over and we decided to divorce amicably (ie. No assets, property or children). However I did co-rent his apartment after he moved out because he was denied as a solo applicant. I stayed with my parents in the mean time. When his lease was up, he couldn’t afford to renew, so I let him stay with me at my parents. At that point we were still legally married (I was lazy with the paperwork). His staying with me was supposed to be a month or two, it’d been 6. He was supposed to put money away. He didn’t. I even paid off the remainder of his car loan for him. And paid his storage unit rental. And his auto and motorcycle insurance. And his, and his mom’s cellphone bill. I finally decided I was done living at my parents and applied for an apartment on my own, and was approved. I told him my move in date (which was about 40 days out). He waited until he had about a week left before he started looking for a place to live. And everywhere he picked was crazy expensive. Way outside his price range. I told him to drop his standards a bit to find a more affordable place, and he flat out refused. 3 days before I was set to move in, he asked to stay with me at my apartment. I caved. I caved so hard. He said it would be about 6 weeks before he could move into his parents. So here we are. At my apartment. Which he does nothing but complain about. The commute to work. The distance he is from his friends. How cold my place is. He leaves messes. Leaves lights on. And not once has he thanked me. Not for anything I’ve done for him. Everything I do for him out of the goodness of my heart, he expects because he feels he’s owed it. “if you weren’t divorcing me and ruining my livelihood, I wouldn’t be in this situation” (that an actual quote).
And to be honest, all the shit he gives me, all the attitude, all the resentment I hold for him, the bitterness, it’s all manageable because I still care for him. It makes my heart hurt to think I’m punishing him for his personality. It’s why I opt to help him. Even if he boarderline demands the help.
But the worst part of it is I have no one to talk to. Not one person. I have friends. Good friends. But not ones I feel sharing such intimate details of the failure of my marriage with. Not ones that I think wouldn’t say “I told you so”. Not ones that wouldn’t berate me for helping him financially for 14 months. Not ones that wouldn’t be able to hold in that he’s completely taking advantage of me.
And I’m aware I run that risk posting here. But no one here knows who I am. And I needed to get it out. Thanks for listening.
PS. Yes we’ve started the paperwork. And no he isn’t trying to stay with me permanently. He knows this is temporary, and it’s just waiting to move out in a few weeks.
20 Jan 2022: Update - Getting divorced but I have no one to talk to about it
My post wasn’t massive, but someone reached out to me in my DMs asking how I was holding up, so I decided to post an update. There’s a TLDR at the bottom.
Earlier in Jan I asked my husband what his plan was to move out. He got an attitude, and said he was working on it, but I had never seen him looking at apartments online. He gave me no indication of any progress at all at that point (originally he said he’d be living with me for 6 weeks. Now we’re closing in on 10) So I told him he should make plans and be out by the end of January. I was finally putting my foot down. He gave me a response akin to “whatever” with an eyeroll. The following day I asked him to sign the divorce papers. I’ve had them sitting for over 2 months now, we’d put it off previously until the move into the apartment, and we were both settled. He got angry and said “whatever you want to do!”. I felt so much guilt I just sort of shut down, and said “Ok, never mind” That made him start yelling at me to stop playing the victim and he then demanded to know where the papers were so he could sign them. I told him it was fine, don’t worry about it. He yelled again he was just going to sign them since I couldn’t leave him alone about this for more than a day, and that I was nagging him daily about throwing him out. So I told him where I put the paperwork, and went into the bathroom to cry. I sat on the floor to bawl my eyes out. I felt so bad at that point I was tempted to say “forget the divorce. We can stay together”. Anything to make myself feel better. He came in to the bathroom and told me to stop crying and gave me a hug. He didn’t apologize for yelling at me. He just told me to stop crying and accept that this was my decision, and he was the one that was hurting. So I dried my tears, and emotionally disconnected for the night. I barely spoke to him, or even looked at him. The next day I found the papers, he did sign them. Now I just have to send them in.
Last week, he finally applied for an apartment and was approved a few days ago. He’s moving out in 3 weeks. Wish me luck everyone! It’s been an emotional rollercoaster, and it’s not quite over.
TLDR. Sticking to my decision. Getting divorced and I finally told him to move out. I’m tired of being financially used. But it makes me feel like shit.
15 February 2022: I’m getting divorced, and have no one to talk to. 2nd Update
I posted a few times over the last month and a half or so about my husband and I divorcing. There was no cheating, or abuse. He wasn’t a bad guy, we just weren’t compatible at all. I still loved him very much, but it just wasn’t working for me. It was heartbreaking, but for the best I think.
I finally sent in the court paperwork to start the divorce process. My (now soon to be ex) husband also moved out this past weekend. I helped him move, and set up his whole apartment. Several times I feigned having to pee just so I could go into the bathroom to cry without him seeing. He didn’t like when I cried about it. He kind of felt like I had no right to, since the divorce was my idea and he didn’t agree with it (although he didn’t contest the divorce either). Having to hide my emotions made it difficult to process the entire weekend.
But it’s over. I’m pretty much single. I haven’t been single in so long. I’m also now very aware that I’m alone. I’m going to go to my own apartment, and it’s going to be empty. My anxiety will kick in around 330pm when he doesn’t come through the door from work. I’m sitting at my desk at work trying not to cry in front of my male co-workers. I want to reach out to him and see how he’s doing, but I know it’s not healthy. I’m trying to keep my mind on other things, like all the things I’ll gain out of this. All the things I can do now. But it’s hard. It’s hard to look at the long term.
Anyway. Thanks for listening everyone!
20 May 2022: I’m getting divorced, and have no one to talk to about it. A happy update!
A couple times over the last few months I’ve posted about how my husband and I are divorcing, but I had no one to talk to about it. My posts weren’t popular, but for me it was very cathartic to feel like I was finally word-vomitting all the stuff I’d been holding in. I received a few DMs about what a terrible person I was for leaving my husband, and a few cheerleadering me on.
I’m happy to report that I am fucking THRIVING! I’m doing all the things I was afraid to try out when I was with him, like cooking. Yeah I wasn’t allowed to cook anything that smelled because, and I quote “the stuff you try to cook smells like shit” (he said this when I made myself taco meat. I was banned from cooking “smelly” foods again). I also got a tattoo I’ve always wanted, and am getting another soon. I replaced a bunch of the cheap stuff we bought because he didn’t see value in investing in well-made goods. He would rather buy cheap, then buy cheap again when the first product broke, and continuously do this over and over. (He loved spending money, I didn’t matter what it was on)
I can also stay out as late as I want. I don’t have to be home by a certain time anymore, because he didn’t like when I went out, and came home after him. I can have drinks on the weekend. I even made friends. I have people I can talk to now without him wanting to know who I’m talking to/what we’re talking about (he’d follow me around while I was on the phone, demanding to know who I was talking to). I AM NOW BEHOLDEN TO NO ONE!
Unfortunately (fortunately?) my friendship with my ex-husband kind of came to an end. He was getting possessive of me, despite both of us being single and not in any romantic relationship anymore. I agreed to a date (one date) with someone, and my Ex got really upset. He didn’t like me hanging out with any male friends I had. Thankfully it ended amicably. He understood neither of us would be able to move on and heal if it continued. We agreed it was probably for the best.
Funnily enough, after finally starting on the path to doing my own thing, and making progress in life, people came out of the wood work to tell me how unhealthy my marriage looked from the outside. How he was manipulating me and I didn’t see it. How much he took advantage of me. No one understood why I married him, or stayed for as long as I did. It’s funny the things you’re blind to when you love someone. Red flags look white when you’re wearing rose colored glasses.
Anyway I’m done rambling. I’m doing really well. I’m very happy. I’m still sometimes sad about my Ex, but I see now that this was for the best. Thanks for reading :)
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