COVID Dating
This is a repost blog.
Original posts by Dating During Delta to advice columnist Lizzy Acker in The Oregonian. Only the original letter-writer’s words have been reproduced here; to read Carolyn’s advice, click through the links.
3 Mar 2022: As COVID continues, single mom wonders if she’ll ever want to date again
Dear Lizzy,
A couple of years before COVID hit, I got divorced and started dating again. I have two young kids so my life is way too full for a serious relationship. But I share custody 50/50 with their dad (everything is super amicable on that front), so I have plenty of free time to meet new people and just have some fun. I thoroughly enjoy the carefree dating life.
Then COVID hit and all that came to a screeching halt. I stopped going out — pretty much at all — and certainly didn’t want to meet up with strangers during a deadly pandemic. It was a long dry spell and all pretty isolating. For a while there I wasn’t even hanging out with friends and family, because I wanted to keep myself and my kids safe. I figured that once I got vaccinated I would be able to get back out on the dating scene. But … that never really happened. I’ve been vaccinated for half a year now and I haven’t been on a single date. I hit the dating apps for a bit, but I could never quite work up the energy to match with people and start a conversation, let alone meet anyone in real life. I mean, let’s admit it, dating apps can be hell already, especially for a woman. But now it just seems like the last place I want to be. While I want to go on dates again, the process of meeting people also sounds completely miserable.
Part of me thinks that it’s because I’m concerned about delta, and I’m concerned about bringing something home to the unvaccinated kids. And I do believe those are all very valid concerns. But part of me wonders if I’m just using that as an excuse, and even after the kids are vaxxed (any day now, cross fingers!) I’ll just come up with another excuse to keep me from getting back out there and having all the fun I used to have. What’s stopping me? And how do I get past it?
Dating During Delta
15 Nov 2022: Update
Hi Lizzy,
I have an update! It’s been over a year since I wrote about having trouble kickstarting my dating life in the COVID world. I was vaccinated and ready to go, but just had absolutely no will to get on dating apps and meet new people.
First of all, thank you so much for your advice, or your perspective rather. You honed in on the fact that I still had plenty of time to get out there, and that if I wasn’t ready for it yet that didn’t mean I wouldn’t ever be ready. Quite honestly it still took another year after I wrote you before I felt ready again. For the longest time, I’d avoid apps and dating like the plague. Sometimes I got bored and swiped a bit, but even after a match, I didn’t have the desire to even strike up a conversation.
In the meantime, I got the kids vaxxed (and vaxxed again), reconnected with friends, and worked on deepening the relationships I already had in my life.
Then one day, it happened. I can’t say how or why, but the fog lifted and, just like you said, I finally felt like I had the space in my life and in my brain to get back out into the dating pool. I’m so glad that day finally came. In just one short week I’ve met some really interesting people and I’m looking forward to whatever happens next.
This has been a rough couple years for all of us. It may never be back like it was before, but it’s nice to have just one small part of my life feel normal again.
Thanks again!
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Teen dad
This is a repost blog.
Original posts by Grandma Too Early in the advice column written by Carolyn Hax. Only the original letters’ text is reproduced here - to read Carolyn’s advice, click through to original links.
12 Jun 2011: Our problem has many layers
Dear Carolyn: Our problem has many layers. Our 16-year-old son fathered a child. At this time, he does not have a relationship with the mother, who is also 16. We encouraged her to give the baby up for adoption but we were unsuccessful. The baby is now 3 months old and we have seen him a few Saturdays in a row for several hours.
Here are our many dilemmas: Our son has no interest in parenting; we are in our late 40s and not really interested in being new parents again either; the mother would like us to have the baby each weekend from 1 to 8 p.m. both Saturday and Sunday.
I can already feel resentment building. My husband and I don’t want to spend our entire weekend caring for a child.
I know it is not the baby’s fault. My son made an error in judgment and we are all paying the price. I feel like I probably can handle one day a week and we are trying to set a good example for our son. We feel he eventually needs to step up and be a father to this child, but I am concerned that if we force him to, then he will resent his child. – Grandma too early
27 February 2023: Teen Dad A Blassing To Watch
DEAR CAROLYN: I wanted to give you an update to “Teen son’s baby needs your love.”
The child is now 2 ½, and we all have a strong bond and successful relationship. Here are some of the highlights from the past two years.
The baby’s mother was not happy with the living arrangement she had at her mother’s home, so for five months she and the baby lived with us. This was a perfect way for us to really bond with the baby. After five months, the mother chose to move out of our house.
From that point on, we had contact or visitation 50 percent of the time. At the beginning of her senior year, she and her boyfriend moved into an apartment. The good news is we have known this boy most of his life and think he is a good guy. We live in a small town. Hopefully this relationship will endure. We have gone to court twice to legally establish the 50-50 custody arrangement.
Your big question is, how did my son evolve? He is amazing. He was tentative the first year. He did what he was required to and not much more. Then a miracle transpired. The baby turned 1. He started walking, talking and specifically saying, “DaDa.” That was all it took. My son is a better father to his son than many men twice his age. He never complains and has enormous patience. He asks questions, learns quickly and looks up information. It is a blessing to watch.
So there you have it. Thanks for reposting my letter and allowing me to see just how far we have come.”
– A Loving Grandma
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One room, Two Bedtimes
This is a repost blog.
Original posts by an anonymous reader on AlphaMom, with advice from Amalah aka Amy Storch. To read that advice, click through to the original column and update.
2019: One Room, Two Bedtimes
HI!
We are in a bit of a sleep-deprived bind.
In short: we’re expecting a 3rd child in 4 weeks. This child is set to be medically complicated (congenital heart issue requiring surgery, please god help my nerves and make this go ok). In practice, at the moment, that means I’m waking up 4-6 times a night to go to the bathroom, and my husband is handling all the night issues and most early mornings because I’m so exhausted (he was literally grey-tinged from exhaustion this morning. This promises well, with the new baby…)
Our 2 older children (2.5-year-old boy, 5.5-year-old girl) are currently sharing a bedroom, and LOVE IT — they get along really well and it works out, overall. However, their sleep needs aren’t in sync, and the start of school is highlighting this.
My daughter is meltdown-level exhausted by 7:15 every night; my son (who naps from 1-2:30 or so, and absolutely needs it — and it’s daycare-time, so we have limited influence on that) CAN go to sleep at that time, but really 8pm is better for him. Typically, that means that we put my daughter to bed and then take my son to our room or the living room for books until it’s around the time when he goes to bed. AND THEN. In the morning, he’s up… at 5:30, creeping to 5am, creeping to 4:30… If he stays in his room, he wakes his sister, who needs the sleep (desperately). If he comes to our room, he wakes US up, and we’re already tired and expecting a new baby and would very much like more sleep. And if he doesn’t go back to sleep until at least 5:30, he’s an absolute wreck by 11am, and the entire cycle repeats with exhausted child and crappy sleep with lots of wake-ups (not ideal). Same if we shorten or skip naps on weekends — we get a tired hobgoblin who won’t go to sleep and has 6 nightmares during the night, it isn’t an improvement.
So… do you have a magic trick for convincing a very bouncy and excited and AWAKE 2.5-year-old to freakin STAY IN BED and SHUSH until 5:30? (Note: he’s no longer in a crib, since he learned to fling himself out of it head-first, so he can get out easily). Or to get him the quantity of sleep he needs so he doesn’t turn into an overexhausted hobgoblin by 11am, exhausting the rest of the house in the process?
2nd question: my daughter is NOT PLEASED at going to bed before her brother, until we actually get to the point where she’s sobbing from exhaustion and passes out (… 7pm-7:15pm, which at least means she passes out when we can get her in bed). We can’t logistically put her in bed earlier, if she’s less exhausted she keeps herself awake (literally: pinches herself to stay awake via sheer stubbornness), and she can’t sleep in on weekdays and keeps herself awake through any attempted naps. I can give her the opportunity to sleep and explain why she needs it and should, but… any suggestions for what to tell her to smooth over the ‘yes, he’s littler, but he napped this afternoon and you didn’t so you need sleep more than he does right now’ injustice? Because I GET her wanting to stay up, but she physically needs the sleep, and she needs to get it without messing with her brother’s sleep any more than it is already a mess, and I’m at my wits end.
We’re all in need of sleep. And it’s gonna get worse before it gets better, so any improvement you can help with would be so appreciated!!!
A few months later: Update
You were ABSOLUTELY RIGHT about needing to nip that shit in the bud, so thanks for the verbal kick!
1) We followed your advice about the wake-up clock and it has helped mornings SO MUCH — he now stays in bed until the star turns into a sun. The visual cue is so helpful!! That mostly fixed mornings.
2) We didn’t want to move my son back out of his room, since we wanted a routine (and every time he accepts a routine and we shift one part of it, he tests every boundary on the slightly-altered routine — a different bedroom would basically postpone the theatrics until the next time we tried putting him in his room). However, one of the commenters said something about shifting my daughter into our room (brilliant, and why didn’t I think of that in my sleep-deprived haze…)… and so: she got enough sleep, we could crack down on the ‘this is the routine, DEAL WITH IT’, he settled into it, and then we shifted her back.
3) We now get my daughter ready for bed before my son and that way she ‘gets to’ read extra books. They go to sleep at the same time, and he has learned to stay in bed, so everyone is getting more sleep and acting out less. FANTASTIC.
4) The baby was born during this entire debacle (of course) and so far is healthy (barring the heart issue — we’re waiting for surgery, and I’m anxious as hell, but he’s doing ok so far).
Thanks for the advice! between you and the commenters, we cobbled it together and it worked!
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I met too many men with the same unpleasant personality
This is a repost blog.
Original letters appeared in Ask Amy.
The original question-writer’s words are reproduced here - to read Amy Dickinson’s advice, click through to the original link.
Dec 2022: I met too many men with the same unpleasant personality
Dear Amy: I am a divorced 52-year-old woman who is experiencing a disturbing situation. Men I meet for possible relationships have what I describe as argumentative personalities.
They are never agreeable on any topics that come up in conversation.
The topics range from personal decisions to politics to differences between men and women. These men come across as misogynistic, condescending, critical of everything around them, yet they see themselves as decent normal good guys who know how to treat women. They couldn’t be more wrong.
They often present topics that are inflammatory and then say women can’t handle the conversations because we are too caught up in our feelings.
I don’t entertain these men for long, but I meet man after man after man who has this same personality.
Just what has happened to the art of decent conversation?
After talking to these men for a short period of time the focus turns away from seeking companionship to sparring partners. I don’t understand it and it is very frustrating. Amy, just what is this phenomenon?
Missing the Art of Conversation
20 June 2023: Update
Dear Amy, I accepted your advice of moving offline — where I was meeting most of these men — and put myself where I could encounter people in real life.
I found that when I made eye contact and smiled at people in groups and social situations, it did start the process of conversation, especially with men.
When the conversation has turned to an inflammatory topic, I’ve said, “That doesn’t really interest me at all; perhaps you can find someone else to talk to about that.”
Also, I still follow a bit of advice you published years ago. You wrote: “People who are decent and kind get to share my world. Everyone else can take a seat.”
I found this on an index card I had in an old journal. It is now posted where I can always see it
Not Missing the Art of Conversation Anymore
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My 14 year old granddaughter and I have become estranged
This is a repost blog.
Original letters appeared in Ask Amy.
The original question-writer’s words are reproduced here - to read Amy Dickinson’s advice, click through to the original link.
Nov 2011: My 14 year old granddaughter and I have become estranged
DEAR AMY: My 14-year-old granddaughter and I have become estranged. Her parents split up after 14 years of living together.
She chose to live with her dad, while her mother (my daughter) and my 5-year-old granddaughter came to live with my husband and me (for the past 18 months).
I helped raise my older granddaughter from infancy, as her mother was a teenager when she gave birth for the first time. We spent a lot of time together and had a very close and loving relationship.
My granddaughter continues to shun her mother and me. (Her father has involved her in their breakup, and she has taken his side. He speaks horribly about our family.) It is so painful.
My therapist says to stay in touch with her and give her time, but her rudeness is hard to take.
No matter what I attempt to do or say at this point — such as let’s spend some time together and go to the mall or maybe the museum — she takes this the wrong way, as if I’m trying to guilt her. She ignores me or turns me down. I’ve heard she misses me, yet every attempt I make to spend time with her is met with disdain.
What should I do at this point to not further alienate her? Will this ever get better? I miss her terribly.
– Her Nana
19 June 2023: What happens to the advice I offer once it leaves my desk?
Update from “Her Nana”: Dear Amy, Yes, I took your advice. My husband and I were so very close to our granddaughter until this tough divorce. She chose to stay with her dad who continually said harmful things about her mother, my daughter, and particularly me.
It hurt me deeply when she continually shunned us and I almost gave up, but you advised me to keep at it no matter what.
And that’s what I did. You said to be there when she was ready.
Well, after five years, when she was about 17, she slowly started letting us back in.
She and her mother became very close again. And she became our loving granddaughter again.
She’s now 26 and a sweet and caring young woman.
I’m glad to have the opportunity to finally thank you.
– Still Her Nana
https://www.nj.com/advice/2023/06/ask-amy-what-happens-to-the-advice-i-offer-once-it-leaves-my-desk.html
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Conceiving After Cancer
This is a repost blog.
Original posts by Hayley at the Advice Smackdown on AlphaMom
The original question-writer’s words are reproduced here - to read Amy Storch’s advice, click through to the original link.
PCOS: Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome
CM: Cervical fluid
FSH: Follicle Stimulating Hormone
LH: Luteinizing Hormone
OPK: Ovulation prediction kit
8 Sept 2010: Conceiving After Cancer
Hi Amy,
Since I love your blog and think that you give such wonderful advice that really looks at things from all angles, I thought I’d write and ask for your input…if you decide to print this, feel free to edit and take out as much as you see fit. Also, I am really sorry if this is TMI or grosses you out, I just don’t know who else to ask, as everyone that I would be comfortable asking is Fertile Myrtle.
I am 30 years old and a childhood cancer survivor, off therapy for 24 years next week. I had Wilms’ Tumor, which is a kidney cancer, so I am missing my left kidney. Six months after I completed treatment, I relapsed in my lower bowel, that time they were able to remove the just the tumor. I am in really good health otherwise, and consider myself so lucky that this is really the first late effect I have ever had to deal with. I am a normal weight for my height and never had to deal with learning disabilities that a lot of childhood cancer survivors, especially survivors that have a reoccurrence. Almost two years ago, a pediatric endocrinologist that heads up a long term survivorship program scared the BEH-JEEZUS out of me at our initial (and only…It was a transitional appointment and I have since transferred over to an Adult Long Term Survivorship Program) appointment and told me that I needed to start trying to get pregnant yesterday. My husband and I immediately started trying, and here we are 20 months later and we’re not pregnant.
A year ago, we met with a reproductive endocrinologist and everything was within the normal range, my FSH, LH, my ovaries were both developed the way that they were supposed to be (which really surprised everyone), my uterus looked good, my cycles are very regular and his sperm count was normal and had normal motility. Since everything was normal, my husband and I decided to give it another year on our own. We’ve tried everything that we can without going back to the doctor, OPKs, “not trying”, etc. *I* think that I have a hostile environment due to the fact that there is never any egg white CM.
So, in this past year I have taken it upon myself to see a cardiologist, oncologist, and nephrologist and get their okays for getting pregnant and carrying a baby to term. All of them are totally on board. Since I have everyone’s okay and my husband has recently caught TEH BABEH FEVER, we’ve made another appointment with the reproductive endocrinologists. I am kind of terrified at the idea of using clomid, but not opposed to it either, but sort of don’t see the point of going on it without doing something like IUI or doing something like IUI without the clomid.
Am I getting way ahead of myself? What questions should we ask that may not be thinking about? What are some things that you wish you had known when you went to see fertility specialist?
I would really appreciate any insight you might be able to give!
H
24 Dec 2012: UPDATE ON: Conceiving After Cancer
Hi Amy,
Gosh, I’ve wanted to be able to write you with this update for so long, but haven’t been able to until now. I wrote to you back in the fall of 2010 asking for your advice about being a childhood cancer survivor and seeing a Reproductive Endocrinologist for help in getting pregnant. We ended up doing 4 rounds of Clomid and IUI with acupuncture, getting pregnant twice and both ended up being chemical pregnancies, not progressing beyond 5 weeks. After the 4th round, I had to be taken off of the Clomid and we were told that IVF was our only option at that point, and the term “atypical PCOS” was tossed around, we never could get the RE to give us a good solid diagnosis. We wanted answers as to how IVF was going to keep me pregnant since I was getting pregnant with the IUIs, and we weren’t given any clear answers. So, we decided to go the holistic route. Through a friend who’d also had trouble getting pregnant, we found a holistic doctor who GUARANTEED (can you see where this is going?) he’d have me pregnant within 6 months. I thought it was a little arrogant, but figured I didn’t have anything to lose at that point. I cut all processed sugar and gluten from my diet and took all kinds of supplements, but a year later I still wasn’t pregnant.
Around this time, my husband was given the huge opportunity to open a new division of the company that he works for in Miami, FL. We put trying on hold until we moved and were able to get settled in a new city. We went from a 4 BR house in the suburbs of Atlanta to a 2 BR teeny, tiny condo in Downtown Miami. It took us about a month to figure out that we were “house people”, not “condo people” and we decided to put off trying again at least until after the first of the year so that if I got pregnant right away (ha ha ha, like that would ever happen…), at least our lease in the condo would be up and we would be in a house by the time a baby came. And then, we found out that we were pregnant. I will hit the 12 week mark tomorrow. I had the nuchal translucency scan this morning with the Maternal Fetal Specialist and she just gushed and gushed over what a perfect baby I had growing and bouncing around in there. We are so excited that we can’t see straight.
So anyhoo…Thank you so much for your words of encouragement 2 years ago, you’ll never know how much it meant and how often I went back to what you said about kicking cancer’s ass and infertility having nothing on me.
Thanks again,
Hayley
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