How to Embrace Transgender Family Member
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Original question from ‘Grateful Aunty’ in Ask Amy, a widely syndicated advice column. Only the original questions/updates are reproduced here - to read Amy’s advice, click through to the original links.
23 Jan 2018: How to Embrace Transgender Family Member
Dear Amy: I am one of six adult siblings. We gather once or twice a year in a low-key kind of way to stay connected and catch up.
My brother “Tom,” his wife and three adult children stopped attending these events a couple of years ago. This left us perplexed.
Recently Tom’s son (my nephew) shared with the family that he was gender-transitioning to being a woman.
We reached out to my brother and our new niece, “Laura,” in our individual ways, with messages of support and acceptance. My brother followed up with an email explaining that this was the reason for the recent absences, as they took time to process it and to support Laura, who wasn’t yet ready to share her changes with the broader family.
We will soon be having another gathering and Laura may be joining us. I am at a loss as to how to greet her when she walks through the door (after giving her a big hug, of course).
I want to say something that acknowledges this important step in her journey, but I do not want to say anything that might seem insensitive or awkward.
Amy, you always seem to have the right words for any occasion. Please help!
— Grateful Aunty
21 Jun 2023: Family gathering offers chance to meet transitioning niece in a supportive way
Update, from “Grateful Aunty”: Dear Amy, I remember your advice – first to relax about this and then to remember this would not be a “one and done” encounter.
I greeted “Laura” just as I would any other niece or nephew whom I had not seen in a couple of years — with a big hug and lots of enthusiasm.
We did a lot of catching up about life in general, not the “big change.”
The conversation meandered in a very natural way with Laura occasionally alluding to her transition (like how long it was taking to get her name changed on her driver’s license).
The bigger point I want to make — and I realize this is only based on my singular experience — is that she seems so much more at ease socially than before.
That evening she was more expressive, engaged and outgoing than I had ever seen her before her transition.
As I was driving home later that night and reflecting on this, it occurred to me that before her transition, she typically stood with arms folded across chest and with shoulders slightly hunched. Now she speaks animatedly, using her hands freely and with terrific posture.
This to me is the surest sign that she is finally becoming who she was meant to be.
It gave me chills and made me appreciate more than ever how important it is to personally support loved ones on this journey, as well as advocate for them in a larger context.
– Grateful
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September 28, 2023 family transgender issues transitioning support
A coworker invited herself along on my vacation
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Original posts by Letter Writer #842 at Captain Awkward. Only the original questions/updates are reproduced here - to read Captain Awkward’s advice, click through to the original links.
16 Feb 2017: #942: “A coworker invited herself along on my vacation.”
Dear Captain Awkward,
I have a situation that is getting very awkward indeed. In a few months, I will be going on vacation to Tokyo with my best friend. This has been a dream of ours for a long time, so we have a lot of plans. A coworker — with whom I’m friendly, but not very close — heard through the grapevine about my trip and started a conversation about when I was going and what I planned to do.
The week after that, she told me that she was planning a trip on the same dates, and she was so glad to know someone who could ‘show her all the sights’. I was a bit taken aback, but I told her my plans had just included myself and my best friend, and we already have reservations booked for just the two of us for most of the attractions we want to see. She seemed to understand and didn’t mention it again for a while.
However, I later overheard her talking to another coworker about ‘our trip’, and how I had planned everything out for ‘us’ to do. I waited until the other coworker was gone so as not to embarrass her, but this time I told her in no uncertain terms that my plans had not and would not include her. She got upset and said I’d been so enthusiastic about my trip that she’d gotten excited as well, and why was it so difficult for one more person to join us?
Since then, she’s kept talking about ‘our’ trip and what ‘we’ll’ do and all objections I make are completely ignored, even though I’ve stopped being polite and I have told her in front of others that she is in no way involved in my trip. I want to have a great experience with my friend and I absolutely do not want to be stuck playing tour guide to an acquaintance.
Since this is not work-related, I don’t feel like I can bring it up to our managers. I know I can’t stop her from making her vacation plans, even if they coincide with my own, but she already knows the name of my hotel and my rough itinerary from that first conversation, so how can I get it across that my friend and I do not want her with us? I’m concerned that she might have booked at the same hotel or that she’ll show up there, and I don’t want to cause a scene or have to try and avoid her. To my knowledge she’s never done anything like this before, so I’m completely baffled by her behavior. Obviously this problem is a bit different from many of the other letters you get, but I have no idea how to address this situation. Help?
Thank you,
Tokyo Traveller
preferred pronouns she/her
17 Feb 2017: UPDATE
LW here! Thank you so much for responding to this so quickly, and thank you for the advice and great scripts. I have begun implementing these suggestions today. I’ve explained to all my (reasonable) friends at work that the vacation is now a no-go subject, and I’ll be documenting any further conversations with Coworker. I will be talking to my manager on Monday as well.
I think I’ll keep changing hotel arrangements as a last-ditch plan for now, though. The one we’ve booked is great for our needs and J’s advice is reassuring.
Once again, this is just mind-boggling. Friend and I have been on vacation together before and absolutely nothing like this has ever happened.
Thank you all!
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I’m losing my hearing and my patience with my dad’s girlfriend (among other things)
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Original posts by Letter Writer #1204 at Captain Awkward. Only the original questions/updates are reproduced here - to read Captain Awkward’s advice, click through to the original links.
27 Aug 2012: I’m losing my hearing and my patience with my dad’s girlfriend (among other things)
Dear Captain Awkward
I (she/her) am having some issues with my father’s partner (also she/her). I don’t know how much of my discomfort and dislike of the woman stems from the adolescent area of my brain screaming “you’re not my mother, you don’t get to tell me!” and how much of it is legitimate and may be tackled or minimised.
A little context — my mum died 11 years ago, when she was 59 and I 26, from cancer. A couple of years after that, my dad met Cersei and hit it off. She was also recently widowed, they were each still in love with their spouses but willing to explore a new relationship together. So far, so happy. It’s now a number of years later and it seems like they’ll be together until death does them part (but with no suggestion of marriage being on the cards — a fact of which I am quite thankful).
Here’s the rub, though — Cersei will make every situation about her, and will make it clear that a) no-one has ever suffered like her, and b) your suffering is nothing. A recent example; I have been diagnosed with moderate-to-severe hearing loss. This is a very emotional thing for me. I’m 37 and have no family history of hearing loss, it’s pretty frightening that I’m going to be wearing hearing aids very soon. Cersei’s response was two-fold. First — “Oh, I should probably get my hearing checked too, I’m forever asking people to turn the TV up!” (Great! OK! Fine! I’ll tell you where I went, the test was free. Go forth and get your testing done.) Secondly — “I don’t think your hearing’s that bad. You can hear everything I’m saying.” Stop. Stop right the fuck there. You haven’t seen my hearing deteriorate over the last 3-4 years from jokes about “wow, your hearing’s lousy!” to friends saying “no, seriously, I am concerned about your hearing, for it is lousy.” You don’t know how much detail I miss in conversations, you don’t see me struggling to hear the TV and trying to avoid switching subtitles on for everything (my husbandface finds them distracting) and FUCK OFF do you get to minimise what is a very frightening situation because I can hear you clearly in an enclosed space when you are sitting 2 feet from me with no background noise.
My usual tactic is to be quite abrupt. “I don’t think your hearing’s that bad” — “Yes, it is. It really is, and here are examples of how bad it is.” My dad will step in and tell her to rein it in when people are getting visibly frustrated with her but she will then laugh this off all cheerful — “Oh I’m in trouble again!” — and I know that it’s going to happen again next time.
Captain, it’s got to the point that I avoid seeing my dad if I think Cersei is going to be around. I don’t want to lose my relationship with him, but I don’t want to spend more than a couple of hours with her at a time because I know that I’ll get angry and try to keep my cool, I’ll be upset by what she’s said this time for days after, and I won’t actually enjoy seeing my dad.
Is there a way that I can get her to self-moderate more? (Possibly not, she’s in her 60s, and what’s that saying about old dogs and new tricks?) Is there a way I can teach myself to react less? Do I need to just stop telling my dad anything significant that’s happening in my life, on the assumption that telling him is akin to telling her?
Please help!
– Desperate and Going Deaf
9 Sept 2019: UPDATE
I got my hearing aids a couple weeks ago, and since then my life is inestimably better! I can hear everything so well, I feel like Daredevil. I’d never realised that the clock in my lounge (which I’ve had over 8 years) audibly ticks, and that’s just the tip of the iceberg.
With regard to husbandly, he realised how important subtitles were to me when he wanted to introduce me to a film. We tried it without subs at first, and I was straining to hear the voiceover (Morgan Freeman’s voice is better than warm caramel, but it’s also kind gravelly and quiet!) — so he switched the subs on. I was able to watch, and hear, and fully engage with the rest of the film. It was beautiful and made me cry. We talked about it the next day and he asked what I would have done if the subs hadn’t been on. I told him — truthfully — that I would have given up on engaging, and gone to bed. He then set subtitles to be on as the default option every time we watched anything together, and apologised for sometimes switching them off if he was watching something on his own after I’d gone to bed and forgot to switch them back on, until I got my brand new shiny magic ears. Now I don’t even need the TV as loud as he does.
With regard to not-my-step-mother (yes, I’m deliberately creating a distance between her and me in my mind, it might not be the healthiest thing to do but it helps me), hubs and I have agreed that she will not be invited to our house again. Any interactions that we have with her will be at a location we can — and will — walk away from. That might be a nice restaurant, or my dad’s house, or recently a garden centre, so we can hang out and have nice “family times” but also we decide when time’s up and that’s when we walk away. We also sometimes see my dad on his own; he understands that she can be frustrating, and isn’t going to force us to spend time with her for the sake of it.
I’ve chosen not to engage with any hearing impaired communities, online or offline, for the moment at least — but I know the option exists, so I might in future. There is someone at work in a similar situation so I’ve reached out to her for advice on equipment that helped her with using a phone headset with hearing aids (I work in a call centre, and any time I cover my hearing aids — including with a headset — I get feedback…equipment is coming, it’s going to take a few weeks maybe, apparently it’s the best thing since sliced bread).
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Gracefully exiting from conversations
This is a repost blog.
Original posts by Letter Writer #336 at Captain Awkward. Only the original questions/updates are reproduced here - to read Captain Awkward’s advice, click through to the original links.
27 Aug 2012: Gracefully exiting from conversations
Dear Captain Awkward,
I’ve recently been going to social events where I don’t know anyone (such as MeetUp groups — thankyou for the suggestion BTW — I didn’t know about them until you mentioned them) in order to meet new people and perhaps rebuild some kind of social life, since the one I had kind of disappeared in bits and pieces for all the usual predictable reasons (moved cities, broke up with partner of more than a decade, got busy with work, cut back on a hobby most of my friends were in, never that sociable to begin with etc. etc.).
Anyway, I seem to have a real problem with meeting and then being cornered by conversation hogs. I have no idea if I particularly attract this kind of person, or if everyone else has some secret way of escaping them that I lack, but I often seem to find myself stuck in a one way conversation with someone, while I nod and smile and be polite, unable to get a word in edgewise.
For example, I recently went to a group bike ride with all new people I’d never met before, and when we were stopped for rest breaks, there was a man who would talk non-stop over everyone, to the point of asking me questions and then talking over my answer. When someone else tried to strike up a conversation with me, he talked over both their question and my answer. He stood between other people and me with his back to them, no matter how I moved around, and stood way too close (again no matter how much I moved away — he was a spitter too… ugh). Despite all this conversational overkill, he was really focused on me — he spent the whole time we weren’t actually riding blocking anyone else from speaking to me, or sometimes he was so loud no one could speak at all. Thankfully when we were riding he liked to go as fast as possible, so I could hang back a bit with various other people.
Saddly, this is a pretty common experience for me. At social events I often find myself stuck all night talking to someone like this, or more accurately listening and trying to get away politely.
My question is this — how does one extract oneself from conversations like this politely? I’m trying to meet new people, so I want to escape this type of guy without coming off like a rude bitch to everyone else who might be a potential friend. Actually I don’t want to be rude or nasty at all, since I’m guessing most of the time these people don’t realise what they’re doing, and are probably overcompensating for shyness. I used to talk too much myself, lecturing on some weird topic of interest to me oblivious to the interest level of my victims, so I do sympathise. I just don’t want to feel like I’m responsible for making their social experience a good one at the expense of my own.
Or, perhaps you or your commenters could suggest some things I might be doing wrong that attracts these people and makes me a target for their attentions in the first place? Can they smell my sympathy? It seriously happens a lot. And I’m thinking that social settings where people are all trying to make new friends and anyone can attend are going to have more than their fair share of the conversationally clueless. Doubly so because due to my generally more blokey hobbies I’m often one of the only women.
Sincerely,
The woman trapped in the corner nodding and smiling
7 Jan 2017: UPDATE
I’m the person who wrote #336 — Gracefully Exiting From Conversations, more than 4 years ago now! That response, and the responses of the commenters was the start of a whole bunch of social awareness that I hadn’t had before. I’ve realized and internalized (finally) that I can just excuse myself and walk away from people who I don’t want to be talking to. It turns out that I don’t really even use excuses that often — sometimes I just say excuse me and walk off if I’m not into a conversation, although needing to get a new drink or the bathroom or whatever are all good excuses that I sometimes use. It turns out that if you smile and do it assertively and most importantly actually do it while physically moving away that it usually goes pretty smoothly. It also turns out that everyone is entering and leaving conversations all the time so it’s not that weird. I’ve noticed that as soon as a conversation monopolising bore gets really going a whole bunch of people leave — it’s now one of my queues that I should maybe consider if I’m actually interested (sometimes I am, but often not).
Zuzu’s comment with the link to Hugh Jackman demonstrating the George Clooney technique for meeting people he doesn’t want to talk to http://teamcoco.com/video/hugh-jackman-george-clooney) was actually really helpful. It’s the physical act of keeping on moving that’s the most powerful thing. Most people won’t actually physically wrestle you, and even people who’ve literally cornered you will generally get out of the way if you move with a purpose. And if someone does physically wrestle you? It’s time to make it obvious that’s what’s going on and make an enormous scene, because eek.
Most importantly though, I’ve actually started to become aware of my own feelings, preferences and thoughts in social situations. I still care a lot about what other people think of me, but I’ve realized that I was so focused on what people might think of me that it blotted out all other thoughts. Now I’m able to actually check in with myself about what I think of them, too. Which means instead of standing helplessly and nodding and smiling while people talk at me, and only realizing afterwards that I hated it because I was so focused on my social performance, I now realize during the conversation that I’m not into it and can take action. This has also made me a much better listener — turns out that being entirely focused on how people perceive you isn’t a good strategy for really engaging with people.
These days I still have many friends complain to me about apparently attracting people who trap them in boring one sided conversations, and they’re always intrigued and confused when I tell them the secret is to actually just…leave the conversation. But, that’s really it. The trick is realizing that it’s not unforgivably rude to do so, and to stop being so afraid of how other people will react to it.
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Baby names, opinions, and old wounds
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Original posts by Letter Writer #728 at Captain Awkward. Only the original questions/updates are reproduced here - to read Captain Awkward’s advice, click through to the original links.
28 Jul 2015:#728: Baby names, opinions, and old wounds
Dear Captain Awkward,
I don’t want to get too into backstory here, but my mother was a Darth Vader parent. The abuse was never physical, but emotional/verbal abuse and gaslighting were common. Darth Mom died last year. My sister and brother-in-law—let’s call them Leia and Han—are now expecting a baby girl. I don’t think anyone has said anything to *them* yet, but multiple people have told *me* that they’re disappointed that the baby won’t be named after Darth Mom or that they’re “so very sad” that the baby will never get the chance to meet her “wonderful grandmother.” And I just. No. A world of no. All of the NO.
Han is taking most of the blame for the name thing because he was named after a deceased family member and he wants the baby to have a name of her own. So that’s a script I’ve been using when people bring up the idea of naming the baby for Darth Mom. But I have no idea what to do when people tell me how sad it is that the baby will never meet Darth Mom. I understand that they mean well and they don’t know that Darth Mom was secretly a Sith Lord, but I am so relieved that the baby will never have to meet her grandmother that I kind of want to throttle these people. I have no idea what to say here and I’m afraid I’m going to snap and start airing dirty laundry, and nobody wants that.
Any kind of script or even a mantra for this situation would be much appreciated.
Thank you,
Luke
7 Jan 2017: UPDATE
Hello, all. I was LW #728. TL; DR: People were bugging me about what my sister and her husband were planning to name the baby (not after the late and not-so-great Darth Mom) and constantly bringing up how sad it was Darth Mom would not get to see the baby.
I got a lot of mileage out of “[Vague agreement] + [subject change],” “Everyone says that! + [subject change]” and “Things sure will be different [mentally: and awesome/quieter/less stressful] without Darth Mom around,” with a side-order of telling the nosiest, most gossipy old church ladies I could find, “I know *you* would never, but I’m worried someone will bring it up with Leia. Her doctor says she should avoid stress as much as possible and she always gets so choked up when Darth Mom is brought up that I’m a little worried. This is her first pregnancy, after all.” And then, as if by magic (and the power of gossipy old women), people around town–everyone knew Darth Mom, but no one *knew* Darth Mom, y’know?–continued to make sad noises *at me* about her passing on before meeting the baby, but no one *ever* said anything about it to Leia or Han at all. (I am justifiably proud of myself for that. Go, me!)
So I continued to make vaguely “meh” noises and change the subject a lot, until there was an actual baby on hand to distract people with. (People can be easily convinced to change the subject if you can go, “Look! A baby!” and thrust a live baby at them. It’s great.)
Baby Rey is healthy and adorable and just over a year old. No one can imagine her being named anything but what she’s been named. I think I mentioned at Thanksgiving or maybe one of the Holiday threads, she’s learned both to give actual high-fives and Jedi high-fives from across the room. This is never not adorable. No one really brings my mother up in conversation anymore; I’m not sure if that’s a natural progression of the community grieving process or if my responses were just so boring they figure there’s no point. Either way, I win. 🙂
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My mom went snooping through my stuff and found my sex toys
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Original posts by Letter Writer #696 at Captain Awkward. Only the original questions/updates are reproduced here - to read Captain Awkward’s advice, click through to the original links.
28 Apr 2015: #696: My mom went snooping through my stuff and found my sex toys
Oh Captain,
I left my mom alone in my apartment for five minutes during a visit so I could carry some heavy stuff for her and she managed to find both my vibrator and my copy of Our Bodies, Ourselves while “testing the smoothness of the drawers” of my new nightstand. While I am willing to accept she might not have initially meant to snoop, as a rule of thumb opening the drawers of another adult’s furniture without permission is icky and the outcome is the same.
What do I do? I feel so violated and angry and she just laughed it off and thinks if I I don’t want her to know I have something, I shouldn’t own it. I’m not ashamed to own those things, I’m 21 for pity’s sake, but I also never want her to come to my home again.
Sincerely,
Masturbation Helps Menstrual Cramps
5 Jan 2017: UPDATE
Hey friends, I’m LW #696. That incident was one of the breaking points in a long, rough journey to accept two conflicting truths: my mom is a wonderful, loving person, and my mom is an emotional abuser who views me as her property. “she actually thinks she’s entitled to know EVERY. SINGLE. THING. about me, because, as near as I can figure, she doesn’t actually perceive me as a separate human being at all, but more of an extension of her own ego, or something.” was something MellifluousDissent said to describe their own mother, but it hit me that they were also describing mine, and it made me think. Also, elodieunderglass, in that abrasive yet loving way they have, made me defensive of my mom which sparked me to question why I was defending my mom’s unquestionably bad behaviour and made me realise the ways in which I was helping her continue the abuse because I didn’t want to rock the boat.
I wasn’t ashamed to own a vibrator, but I was still weirded out by my own sexuality after 21 years of ignoring my genitals, and that also contributed heavily to my initial reaction of “GAH GET AWAY FROM ME AND NEVER COME BACK!”
In the two years since I wrote the letter, I’ve worked really hard at creating boundaries with my mom. Not letting her into my space unless absolutely necessary, not taking calls when I was busy or at work, hanging up if the conversation crossed boundaries or if I needed to use the bathroom. I got an IUD and I didn’t die. I said “shit” at the Thanksgiving banquet because I accidentally tripped on my cousin and hurt him really bad, and mom was the only family member to even raise an eyebrow. I got a side-shave and the sky didn’t drop to the earth and crush us all. I got help for my mental health issues against her wishes, and I’m happier then I thought was possible for human beings. My partner and I have an amazingly strong relationship, and I’m more in love with them every day. Coming up on the horizon is getting a tattoo and moving in with my partner (not necessarily in that order) and I hope everything I’ve learned from my mental health team and the Captain Awkward fam will get me through the inevitable shitstorm. Tangled is still my favourite Disney movie, and my starter pack (along with tissues and chocolate) for anyone who has a nagging feeling their mother isn’t safe.
Oh, and my nightstand drawers still aren’t sticky. 😉
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September 23, 2023 parents mothers narcissism families privacy