My mom went snooping through my stuff and found my sex toys
This is a repost blog.
Original posts by Letter Writer #696 at Captain Awkward. Only the original questions/updates are reproduced here - to read Captain Awkward’s advice, click through to the original links.
I left my mom alone in my apartment for five minutes during a visit so I could carry some heavy stuff for her and she managed to find both my vibrator and my copy of Our Bodies, Ourselves while “testing the smoothness of the drawers” of my new nightstand. While I am willing to accept she might not have initially meant to snoop, as a rule of thumb opening the drawers of another adult’s furniture without permission is icky and the outcome is the same.
What do I do? I feel so violated and angry and she just laughed it off and thinks if I I don’t want her to know I have something, I shouldn’t own it. I’m not ashamed to own those things, I’m 21 for pity’s sake, but I also never want her to come to my home again.
Masturbation Helps Menstrual Cramps
5 Jan 2017: UPDATE
Hey friends, I’m LW #696. That incident was one of the breaking points in a long, rough journey to accept two conflicting truths: my mom is a wonderful, loving person, and my mom is an emotional abuser who views me as her property. “she actually thinks she’s entitled to know EVERY. SINGLE. THING. about me, because, as near as I can figure, she doesn’t actually perceive me as a separate human being at all, but more of an extension of her own ego, or something.” was something MellifluousDissent said to describe their own mother, but it hit me that they were also describing mine, and it made me think. Also, elodieunderglass, in that abrasive yet loving way they have, made me defensive of my mom which sparked me to question why I was defending my mom’s unquestionably bad behaviour and made me realise the ways in which I was helping her continue the abuse because I didn’t want to rock the boat.
I wasn’t ashamed to own a vibrator, but I was still weirded out by my own sexuality after 21 years of ignoring my genitals, and that also contributed heavily to my initial reaction of “GAH GET AWAY FROM ME AND NEVER COME BACK!”
In the two years since I wrote the letter, I’ve worked really hard at creating boundaries with my mom. Not letting her into my space unless absolutely necessary, not taking calls when I was busy or at work, hanging up if the conversation crossed boundaries or if I needed to use the bathroom. I got an IUD and I didn’t die. I said “shit” at the Thanksgiving banquet because I accidentally tripped on my cousin and hurt him really bad, and mom was the only family member to even raise an eyebrow. I got a side-shave and the sky didn’t drop to the earth and crush us all. I got help for my mental health issues against her wishes, and I’m happier then I thought was possible for human beings. My partner and I have an amazingly strong relationship, and I’m more in love with them every day. Coming up on the horizon is getting a tattoo and moving in with my partner (not necessarily in that order) and I hope everything I’ve learned from my mental health team and the Captain Awkward fam will get me through the inevitable shitstorm. Tangled is still my favourite Disney movie, and my starter pack (along with tissues and chocolate) for anyone who has a nagging feeling their mother isn’t safe.
Oh, and my nightstand drawers still aren’t sticky. 😉
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